I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
