you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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