How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
