Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize