I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
