she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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