The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
