hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
