Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
