oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
