I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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