i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
