Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
