i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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