she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize