3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
