my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
