I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
