If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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