you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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