Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The beer is more important than you right now.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
