I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
