My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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