So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
