she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm too high and old for this...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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