apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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