I hate all girls vehemently.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
