Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
