if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
