I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize