I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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