U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
