Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
