you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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