So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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