butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
