I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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