anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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