Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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