2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
