party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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