He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
