He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
