I think my vagina is haunted
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
