The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
