remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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