Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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