I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
