I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
