so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just gift wrapped bread.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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