what day is it and did you see me today?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
