he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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