how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
