Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
