She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
