I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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