he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
