been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize