Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
